Wednesday 6 June 2007

Butteriness

Stolen from the Heckler at SMH ... It seems I’m not the only one ...
My craving for butter just churns me up
Patricia Casaceli
June 5 2007
I'VE decided to launch a class action against butter manufacturers. Others before me have begun class actions against those who make tobacco and other addictive products. They unwittingly started their lifelong addictions to nicotine with a few puffs of a cigarette sometime in their teenage years. I began my addiction to butter at a very tender age. It began with my mother mashing vegies and melting a teaspoon of butter over them to entice me to eat them. And, whammo! A lifelong addiction was born. It started innocently enough - butter on toast, bread, scones and the like - but it progressed. Butter  and  peanut butter sandwiches, a little toast with my butter, and Easter became a disaster. Forget the chocoholics - what about the hot cross buns loaded with butter? Warm the bun, smother it with butter, let the butter melt in and spread on more. I've since discovered what my innocent butter addiction is doing to my life. None of these cheap (and not so cheap) imitation butters is allowed. No Meadow Muck or Pro-so-whats; it has to be 100 per cent certified salted butter. And what about potential long-term health problems? When I was three months old, no one told me about the health problems I would experience at the hands of a tub of butter. Now my body resembles a tub of butter, weight is slower to shift and my arteries are probably narrower than a dairy farmer's profit margin. So it's time to stand up and be heard on behalf of all butter addicts. Health warnings are mandatory on cigarette packets, telling us that tobacco may cause lung cancer, other health problems and even death. I propose that similar warnings be printed on tubs of butter. I know, a three-month-old baby can't read the health warnings on a tub of butter, but he or she can't read them on a carton of cigarettes either. You don't see mothers shoving cigarettes into the mouths of three-month-olds, but I'm sure they still put that little teaspoon of butter in with those mashed vegies to make them palatable, not realising the lifelong health problems this can lead to. Who's with me? Butter addicts of the world unite! We must fight this terrible affliction (but not too vigorously, in case those narrowing arteries give us grief) and come together in a class action, or at least some sort of community support group, against this delicious, mouth-watering condiment. Well, at the very least, toot a cow next time you drive past one, as they are the source of the problem. The dealer always is.

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