Pinched And Punched

1 and 2 June – Maybe it was a lack of breakfast and luncheon materials or maybe it was something in the “herbal” additions I ingested on the morning of the new month but I was feeling extremely jumpy all day which is really not the kind of sense of self that one wants on any day, let alone a day where certain meetings are to be had.  Managed to throw off some of the mental and physical nausea but did not get a good feeling about the conclusive meeting of the day.  My Corporatese is somewhat lacking due to a lack of exposure but I can bulls**t with the best of them and I was certainly challenged to bring those old skills to the fore on Friday afternoon.  There’s always a slight sense of foreboding when one comes into a potential change of environment which quickly evaporates once one realises the general level of intelligence in any working environment (I don’t want to sound too arrogant as certain individuals in my life have occasionally described me but it’s pretty much true).  After this and some logistical errors in a rendezvous (the mobile phone has done more to hinder physical meet ups than just about any other technical device in the history of the world I believe) finally found myself at the Sydney Theatre to see David Marr’s new book launch. Most pleased that one of the themes of his speech (he’s a very good speaker) seemed to be about the botched illegal screening of ‘Ken Park’ that Margaret Pommeranz organised several years ago – I was one of the many present at that attempted screening which was thwarted by Australia’s finest boys (and girls) in blue although I did manage to see it a few weeks later.  And, whilst I am against censorship of any kind if ever there was a film that did necessitate censorship then ‘Ken Park’ would be it.  That film, to me, seemed made just to push the boundaries of taste and to this day I’m yet to realise its artistic merit.  An emotional night at pub (Lord Nelson – notable for it being the site of my first legal drink and also my last real night out in Sydney before the Canadian trip [and a rather cool hook up at the time]) which resolved itself rather well but didn’t do much for a certain individual’s feeling of well being the next day (it’s called a hangover baby, you get one when you drink champagne and dance all night under electric candlelight).  Was very happy to find a new free hotspot in North Sydney on Saturday morning (not that I’m that desperate for them these days but it’s always good to find them).  Can’t really remember what took up the balance of the afternoon save to say that foods were consumed and time was utilised in a somewhat effective manner I think but eventually drove (drove???) to the city for a few more SWF events including seeing a rather stilted interview with Don Watson (a character I don’t know a hell of a lot about) but this was followed by a conversation with the absolutely brilliant Richard Dawkins (who was speaking with Robyn Williams), definitely disappointed by the fact that it was a video hook up (of which I expected) but he’s such a nice guy.  Sure, he’s a little bit arrogant but infinitely less so than the characters he pits himself against and the difference between them and him is that he can justify his position and they can’t.  Dinner at Wagamamas (blurgh) followed by going away drinks at the American Club for some character who I really just don’t get but I can’t be expected to understand everyone, can I?

A Small Sammich For A Small Man

31 May – Some powerfully painful manipulations were involved in the early part of the day plus some more conversations on the future that had been pushed back whenever I got the chance.  Was invited to another Sydney Writers Festival event but, predictably, by the time we arrived it was filled up again by the grey warriors filling up their empty days with things to do.  This was in spite of being told by the old biddy volunteer (the 2000 Olympics have a lot to answer for) that the queue ended with me.  In any event, they blasted the speakers from lecture outside so did get a reasonable presentation of it.  Very disappointed by my purchase at the Big Ass Sammich Store – my appetite only seemed to call for a small one and I don’t feel like a real man unless I’m eating a big one but, like Hummer, even when they go small they still go big but its just not the same.  Homework is more fun when its not yours but its still pretty pointless as are Mike Judge’s fillums on a speculative future where the world has been dumbed down (more so).  But what are you going to do?

The Symbiote

30 May – Productivity was not on the agenda for today but managed to fit in a couple of apps, coffee with various parties, a badly needed but somewhat brutal massage (that was complicated by the wrong paperwork and a lack of immediately available funds for payment) and the first ride since the accident on a bike that needs a little adjusting following her own violent injuries. Frangelica and I combined into a damaged, cautious and delicate symbiote – both of us needed each other to reinforce the purpose of our existence, she needed someone to ride her and I needed to connect to something that has been a prime focus of my life for the past two years – and we both did not need the aggression of the Sydney traffic that surrounded us at every turn.  A little web stuff was done in the evening after a little feeding in Willoughby – put my warm arms out and was coldly rejected but early activity would have prevented a peak performance in any event so not too phazed about that.

Be Happy! Be Happy! Be Happy!

29 May – Did usual morning duties before wandering to the suspicious hotspot to do a bit of a search for something I really didn’t want to search for.  Realised that applications backed up with phone calls are generally better received.  Headed into town for what promised to be an interesting lecture by Ross Gittins on his new book but, whilst waiting for my accompaniers, was distracted by a call telling me to hustle down to the ASX building for a little bit of ‘putting a face to a name’ - by the time I made it back to the Mint, where the talk was to be held, all the seats were gone.  So I was very f**king disappointed.  And I left my hat behind.  Sometimes one wonders whether it’s worth going to the trouble.  However, another phone call followed by another meeting involved getting out the old Matrix designers designed purple lined whistle’n’flute and looking like a character I’ve not looked like for a very long time (unless one counts the recent incognito ‘Suit Day’).  A couple of very positive developments on several fronts was very confidence building for a moment before I realised future ramifications of these developments but one has to take the good things as good or one will never be happy.  And I want to be happy.  Saw ‘The History Boys’ in the evening which was rather enlightening, if slightly overacted but it was an adaptation of a play so that’s to be expected.  Slight resolution on the furniture front which is a part of the logistical problem I’m facing – be happy be happy be happy.

A Final Solution?

27 and 28 May – Expected hangover was remarkably tolerable all things considering, probably dismissed by the still existing real physical pain being inflicted upon my tortured body.  Was sure that I was woken by the sound of my own moaning in pain which really cant be a good thing.  Going to the movies seemed like a sensible way to spend the afternoon and got to knock of a second bird with that stone by seeing mater as well - ‘The Italian’, a Russian film whose existence I was only aware of by seeing it previewed at a Swedish (or Swiss, I have a habit of mixing those two countries up as does every New Worlder) film, not a very good movie I’m inclined to say – lesson being that orphanages are depressing and it might have been a political diatribe against people smugglers but I can’t quite be certain of that.  Evening involved getting cleaned out at a poker night at Mr Creber’s, whose shock of red hair can only fully be appreciated when he’s helmetless.  I suspect I might have got my money’s worth on the food though, a rather spectacular barbecue, unique in the absolute absence of steak, sausages or chicken – wish I was not one of the few who witnessed the uncooked calamari falling on a rather unwashed section of balcony but I’m pretty certain I identified a safe ring or two.  Taxi journey over there (how low have I sunk???) was memorable in part because it was a taxi ride and in part because he was the fattest cabbie I’d ever seen and my half eaten apple launched him off on a remarkable lecture on healthy eating.  Monday had slightly less pain and the day was broken and sucked up by midday medicals that meant productivity suffered – this also not helped by the fact that the similarity of my and my mother’s mobile phones meant that I had a days worth of calls fielded by a maternal secretary who I can imagine quite enjoyed being able to intercept anyone who might call me (every single one of them would have got a chat, I tell you).  Really stressed right now.  Cant let it push me into a corner – have to use it to fuel something but what?  
Went to an interesting lecture at the Australian Institute of International Affairs (someone’s alma mater???) with the topic of ‘Peak Oil and Climate Change’, speaker was certainly a believer in both and he was relatively convincing in explaining how the two were inextricably linked and that both were pretty much upon us.  The upbeat side of the lecture was that he saw this as a catalyst for significant social change for the better but, like all of them, he didn’t convince me that the energy solution is on the verge of solution.  The population is growing, especially in the developing world, and the developing world is sucking up more and more energy per capita (which is pretty much their inalienable right at some level) and the amount of cheap energy available is becoming harder and harder to be cost effectively recovered.  The fossil energies we have are not completely underwritten by future generations at the moment but can the renewables fill the gap?  They’re going to have to but right now the technology does not exist and I just hope necessity is the mother of invention.  I was also upset by a perception of me during the latest crash.  That was very unsettling.

Invasion Of The Little People

26 May – Still being woken up by crippling pain in my shoulder – most annoying when you’re holding off on breakfast for a while and therefore cannot consume any anti-inflammatories to numb the pain.  Did manage to find the Nurofen gel by blindly sweeping my hands across the A-frame which helped a little but when ascending the stairs after a covert mission to the garage I slammed the top of my shoulder into the ceiling and was reduced to a babbling wreck.  Woe is me.  Shortly after recovering from this latest attack on my fragile frame had a little person deposited in my care for the day – since she rejected my pancakes I was forced to entertain her with a revolutionary computer game and then took her off to Broadway to see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean.  The fillum was better than the second (which was not hard) but was overly long and if it hadn’t been an early session would certainly have been drifting by the end.  As it was, can hardly complain.  For the most part Tilley was relatively easy to handle although highly critical of my bad smoking habit but I can’t be surprised about that considering I had similar views at that age (before I succumbed to the demon addiction myself of course).  Wandered the markets for a while before intercepting a more responsible adult who took charge of the ward.  Was pleasantly surprised by the relative simplicity of making baklava – highly labour intensive but not very difficult – twas for purpose of a somewhat civilised dinner party which was quite a rousing success due, in part to the baklava and the well prepared rice (via the absorption method of course) but was also somewhat supported by the company and everything else which was provided by the Moroccan obsessed (I never realised how themed that place was until that night) “friend”.  Shoulder is starting to worry me.  Amongst other things.

Timing Is Everything

25 May – Another painful wakeup which was to be expected followed by a sense of increasing despair as two attempts to do some much needed web work were thwarted by defective wifi hotspots.  The recently underutilised but perennial favourite at NoFishCafe in Surry Hills wasn’t working but I got a coffee anyway and the always reliable if somewhat slow spot at 370 Pitt (home of the old Cow Shed) was working fine for the PDA but not at all for the laptop (but I got a coffee anyway).  Hoping to find a courier who I could offload a somewhat urgent delivery to a banking friend of mine was to nowt – the only messengers I saw where peckers and schizophrenics, none of whom I could trust to take care of the sensitive item.  Despite keeping my eyes open the entire time I eventually found myself at the site itself and handed it over and had another coffee.  Feeling far too wired to be comfortable I trained back to Redfern and did find a useable hotspot but far too expose to do any serious work so that was a bit disappointing.  Attempts to fix Frangelica were also rather disastrous due to a lack of knowledge of how to get the brake levers off the twisted handlebars but am sure that there’s a trick to it which can be worked out by a better mechanic than me but until then I’ll just have to wallow in failure.  However, a late arrival by Dave lent a new observation point to the equation and we were able to locate a mysterious Allen key hole which, as luck would have it, enabled me to remove the levers.  A bit of a hack job to pry the old bars off the stem but managed to get Chevette’s original handlebars on and loaded up with the levers.  Not going to take her for a test just yet but it appears that she may be as good as new (even better, as the new handlebars are substantially narrower than her old ones – not that I plan on doing a hell of a lot of lane splitting just at the moment).  Replacement bar tape will have to wait for the moment but a slightly less sorry character was left at the end of the operation and that’s got to be a good thing.  Evening would be spent making a long wander out towards Aussie Stadium to see the ra-ra-rugby, an unexceptional game between a second tier Australian team and a second tier nation, first half was relatively close but the second half could be more accurately described as annihilation.  Also a bit disappointed by the alcomohol that was on offer – the only beer available was VB and Cascade Light so I was forced to subsist on the driver’s version.  However, one doesn’t go to the rugby to watch the game – at least I don’t, and the company was most pleasant, even if I did have to wait a whole quarter hour for them to turn up because I was on time and they were not.  After being offloaded into treacherous Redfern spent the evening making a new version of pancake batter and watching ‘The Man From Snowy River’, an Australian classic, not a very good movie, and one that was basically a love story wrapped around some nice cinematography and one absolutely incredible horse riding scene.  Huzzah turned up at the very end from the lips of Mr Jack Thompson and that was most satisfactory.

Then There Were Three (Shortly After There Were Four)

23 and 24 May – Productivity not very high on the first day but did manage to struggle through my Canadian tax return and even got it posted off.  Always a pain to do a tax return but when its for a foreign country it’s especially painful – half of the fields didn’t apply to me but still had to check every one because there’s always a figure hidden away in the middle that has to be entered otherwise the long and extremely bureaucratic arm of the Canadian government would be sure to come and get me.  Went over to Gordon to celebrate dad’s 69th birthday and was pleased to find out it was only his 68th (I really should know this, shouldn’t I?) and managed to get the last direct train to Redfern but annoyed the North Sydney train guard by a last second decision to leap off.  Woke up not knowing where I was (still having some very strange and particularly vivid dreams) but after working it out all seemed well.  Had a lot of trouble getting some bandwidth on Thursday – my North Sydney point wasn’t working and even the advertised free Bridge St connection at Wagamama’s decided not to work either (maybe they’re onto me) and spent some very unproductive and battery sucking time wandering the CBD looking for a replacement which was all for nowt.  Osteopath visit was particularly painful – even though Scott was relatively gentle the new injury seemed to get in the way.  Good to have the easygoing housemate back in the house from his little English sojourn – now have a good sounding board again and his Dreamweaver skillz are particularly welcome.  Managed to find my trusty hotspot at Abercrombie and Golden Grove still in good working order and ate an average luncheon in Newtown before heading back for some hours behind the computer screen.  Was somewhat interrupted by the addition of another houseguest (a Landmark one) which should make the next few days rather interesting.  Thought a walk would do me good so went down to the AB for a pre-arranged meeting and was unexpectedly fed for the effort.  Took James back to the household so that he could have a little of my herbal remedy and then do me a solid by clearing the house of excessive occupants so I could get some work done.  How lovely of him.

Give the two-wheelers a go

From the SMH letters on 23 May 2007 ... Perhaps if someone had read this letter and actually done something about it a while back I would not be in the situation I am in today ...  Perhaps if I'd walked down the stairs instead of ridden I also wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in today ...
“Given that the Iemma Government has cancelled the expensive and poorly conceived project to widen the Spit Bridge, can a small portion of the newly available funds be used to extend the Harbour Bridge cycleway north? Thousands of cyclists are funnelled into this point every day from all over the North Shore, only to be met with a climb of 55 stairs to access the dedicated cycleway. Let's see some inspirational ideas from our leaders, not just more of the same. Caroline Minogue  Neutral Bay”

Too Late, Too Long

22 May – Hospital A&E seem to have a rather exaggerated view of recovery – more recent visits (of which there have been far too many of late) have given me a matter of days of medically authorised leave after some pretty serious hits to the body and if this morning is any judge of where my delicate frame is at I don’t think they’re being very realistic.  The cold certainly doesn’t help and the inaction of sleep causes excessive stiffness but it was hard enough to move my body a metre across the room to turn off my alarm bell, let alone even think about being recovered.  That said, had an interesting chat with an old friend in the morning concerning my current potential future in this country which was slightly promising although still very disappointing.  Did mean brushing up on my own version of exaggeration and am really not looking forward to changing my clothes and associated activity but perhaps it must be done.  In any event, “Once A Messenger, Always A Messenger” or at least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.  I also don’t think I’m capable of doing late night movie sessions anymore – even though it was only 8:45 the 157m Zodiac was a great struggle to keep my eyes open through the entire fillum – excellent movie, an amalgamation of Dirty Harry and All The President’s Men and one of the few serial killer movies that I’ve actually really liked for ages but too late and too long and I wasn’t the only one who was struggling in that session.

Salt And Batteries

21 May – Cancelled one medical appointment because I was too bruised to attend and made another one because of that bruise.  Heart to heart with Priti was not exactly the subject I wanted to be talking about but one would suppose that it had to be done.  On the way into town did a good deed for the day helping an old gent on his way to the home suburb negotiate through the maze that is Town Hall and generally tried to avoid the city’s couriers whilst there (didn’t really have to worry too much as none of them really seemed to bat an eyelid at the humanly dressed individual walking through their midst – did think that the Chrome bag could have been a giveaway but apparently not).  House stresses never welcome at any time but I would have loved to have been given a day (at least).  

Not With A Whimper But With A Bang

19 May – The chirpy demeanour that I originally encountered wasn’t so chirpy although the raspberry pancakes may have improved the situation somewhat (it may have).  One of the first tasks of the day was to collect my new helmet from Cheeky and then took it off to Sydenham for Saffy Brian’s sewer sprint event – a general collection of increasingly silly events starting out with a series of standing sprints through the sewers with the finish line just before a low hanging bridge which meant no skid braking until the very end unless you wanted to take your head off (or your name was Shifty [who is a very small courier BTW]).  Crapped out on those due to a bad start and also lost out betting on the various other contestants although did gain a modicum of a comeback with the trolley race (???) winning the first qualifier but then dumping my passenger after hitting a submerged bump on the second.  Decided it was probably best to leave before things got to silly but in hindsight (which is always 20-20) staying may have been a far more sensible decision.  Rode home with no issue and got my stuff together for a journey over the bridge to McMahons where a D&M awaited me.  Journey through city was relatively pleasant but once I hit the bridge I started to mentally prepare myself for what awaited but nothing could have prepared me for what did happen – came to the descent ramp at the North Sydney side and decided to ride down (which I’ve done hundreds of times before with no issue although admittedly not on Frangelica) and by the time I hit the third stage I realised my back wheel was lifting but there wasn’t much I could do about it and suddenly I found myself being launched over the handlebars and flying into the bottom of the steps with a sickening crunch of handlebars, shoulder and helmet.  The shock was pretty significant, as one would expect, but after my latest run of bike related incidents it was almost a bit too much to bear.  Found myself in a bit of a delirium which was not helped by the fact that the very nice man who rescued me was named Ron and in my frazzled state I was convinced that he was someone who he wasn’t.  Was picked up very quickly and spent the evening in a confused stupor punctuated by shivering chills, sweltering body fever, aching body parts and bewildered mood (thanks be that I had someone who loved me to take care of me).  The next morning wasn’t helped by the fact that I had to make some pretty serious decisions pretty quickly nor by my discovery that the expensive brand new helmet (bought that day) had been cracked and was now useless and Frangelica’s handlebars were twisted beyond recognition and I also had to get to A&E to find out if my body had suffered commensurate damage.  Decided that the best course of action was to go to Balmain Hospital (best waiting times in the city) which brought back memories of a 1 December 2001 visit where I was accompanied by dad after some very childish shenanigans (although they did confuse me with some guy named David, whoever the hell he is) - even though I was pushed through relatively quickly the radiologist’s lunch break and other patients did mean a fair chunk of the afternoon was swallowed (not that I was going to be doing anything anyway).  Got mostly cleared of serious injury but that didn’t change the fact that those serious decisions still had to be made.  ‘As It Is In Heaven’ failed to lighten or darken my mood significantly but luckily there were no chuggers outside afterwards to take advantage of the weakened wills of the cinema goers ... What to do?

Bad Schoolboy

17 and 18 May – One of the slowest days in a long time – damning the high bonus dream that the other day’s Perpetual wine run had engendered – Shifty was vocally bitchy and everyone seemed very catty – even the long dreadlocked wanker deigned my presence worthy to put in a nasty cutting jibe – not exactly bullying in the workplace but not all of it was very nice.  Had to push forward my new policy of rejecting proof folders – I hate to reject anything at all but they are one of the few things that I absolutely hate carrying – generally nothing to hold onto it, cannot be put anywhere safely and has to be carried with one arm and further unbalances you by acting like a sail (they’re generally 1x1.5m).  And I rejected a fortune’s worth today (a very small fortune).  Saw Mark from the Writer’s Island for the first time in almost two years and got very drunk at the pub followed by very drunk (and a little bit of something else) at home with PJ.  Housemate scared me away but was absolutely wrecked and cut out at the piker’s hour of 1am.  Judging by the empties and the ashtray the next morning I was not surprised to hear that the partiers carried on into the 4am and I was less surprised that PJ called in sick.  Had a bit of a time shaking off the small hangover and braving the first rain in weeks.  Was very careful throughout the day but there’s always going to be a few close calls (knocked a wing mirror on Market, slid out (but caught myself) at 580 George and almost cleaned up a phone distracted jaywalker on Elizabeth St who after cursing me with some very unpleasant vernacular then proceeded to almost get cleaned up by the bus that was following me and cursing him as well) but altogether not too bad.  Much better than the previous day work wise although still not amazing but some amazingly lucky routing (had 4 pik’n’drops at four different destinations all within a 30m radius and also a couple of well timed cancellations that meant a much smoother run).  Evening was taken up by shiny blue eyes and a very ‘chirpy’ demeanour but there’s something behind them which required a bit of due care (which apparently I was not up to on Friday night).

Smoking Saves

15 and 16 May – Started the day with an interesting but prolonged chat with the CCC gentleman and I don’t think the answers I gave him were exactly what he wanted but he didn’t seem too perturbed.  Going independent would be a very interesting development in the courier industry but not sure if I’ve got the commitment to carry through for the long term.  Ditto with any furthering of my career in the devil’s industry of stealing money from weak willed souls – as I may have previously posted if that particular confidential proposal did not come through I was not going to be disappointed.  And I’m not.  Despite lots of quiet moments throughout the day there was superb quality of work – scammed a very nice wine run out of Perpetual – as I was leaving I noticed a trolley of wine bottles coming out on the mailroom floor. Let the dispatcher know that something big was coming and ensured that I’d be a part of it (also let the shifty character in on the game so he took some of the action as well).  Indy work went perfectly with the real work for a change and I had a lot of luck with the mailroom boys having smoke breaks (came up to Chifley to drop a B&B and saw the clerk puffing away – gave him the envelope and he gave it to the addressee who was sitting right next to him, which was quite a score).  Evening was full of other pleasantries although one of the little people is still in a rather sulking mood and whilst it’s not necessarily a big issue right now there is the potential for more serious ramifications which would definitely not do anyone any good.  After a strange dream filled sleep, none of which I can remember, had one of the quietest AMs I can remember that dragged out until I had an early luncheon with father (which was very timely as I’d run out of disposable cash on that day after a paper (plastic???) money fuelled frenzy that had lasted for weeks.  Mother’s caramel slice went down a treat with some of the courier boys and shortly afterwards all the burnt tobacco offerings I’ve sent up to Hermes started to pay off – a rather hectic afternoon filled with mistaken routes, large banners and even a trip down to Redfern (where I was unfortunately hurried away by TPTB) - Clarence St is very sketchy after hours – generally one of my more favoured South-North arteries but come 5 o’clock during the winter (???) and it’s a bus choked wasteland, so many blinding lights and hardly an inch to spare between the lumbering people transporters.  Not too much fun.  

Positive Rearrangement

13 and 14 May – Woke up to a mother’s day but left the mother to her minions as I had my own mother to deal with later on in that day.  Had an unexpected visit from PJ who came bearing gifts of whiskey and unnecessary apologies and also some much needed web development knowledge.  Sometimes things work out for the best – rescheduling of maternal temporal celebrations by family meant cancelling a web session with the Link team but enabled the visit from the expert who gave me the knowledge to fix the problems that I would have struggled with had I kept the original appointment. Hurrah.  Went to Spice Siam for the second time in the weekend and completely overloaded on the crispy pork belly with holy basil ... Three servings over the course of the weekend ... Awesome ... Cant be good for me though ... But I’m a courier so I don’t f**king care!  Wooh!  Certainly would have to be one of the best dishes available in this fair city ... Unlike the crapulence of the organic café in Newtown where we went to afterwards – if you don’t know what a piccolo is then tell me!  I know it’s a wanker coffee but most places seem aware of its existence these days and, if they don’t, they tell me and I tell them how to make it.  F**king hippies ... And another thing, if I ask for something toasted and buttered I want it buttered by you!  Not given to me lukewarm with an icy pat of butter and no knife ... That’s why you’re allowed to charge $5 for $1 worth of food – you do the work.
Work on Monday was okay – was bridge bitch as Brettski was away and due to the router found myself only doing two trips over (usually four to five) - one might say that this was a good thing but everything was completely late ... None of it was urgent so nobody complained but I did feel a twinge of guilt but it was just a twinge.  Utilised the web knowledge that PJ imparted upon me the previous day when I went to Willoughby to be fed and Link Plastics is looking that much shinier.  

Private Dicking Around

12 May – What do you do when you leave six paper napkins in your back pocket when you do a wash?  It’s been done before and it’ll be done again.  It’s semi-regular when the foil muesli bar packets are left in the back pocket due to a dearth of waste paper bins in my presence when I eat them and they’re often forgotten about by the time the shorts go into the wash but because they’re made of a plastic foil they generally don’t do too much damage in the wash but paper is never so forgiving.  Have taken on a new role as a detective – when the banking institutions and even the police don’t want to know about your problems sometimes you’ve got to take matters into your own hands and my initial investigations seem to have revealed that the culprit in the ethical dilemma is either a woman or a cross dresser (items identified that were purchased on my credit card include bikinis, scarves, tights, socks, a manicure kit, tweezers, an OK Weekly Magazine (showing that the thief is of below average intelligence), hair dye (going to try to change her identity before the task force closes in on her) - not much help from Target management with my initial enquiries but managed to convince them that they can’t hide behind privacy concerns when the purchase was made on my f**king credit card.  Various other tasks included eating very nice Thai food and negotiating choir parents trying to find the most appropriate child to take from an Australian Youth Choir.  Got the child but was sure we could have found one far less troublesome.  

Cards and Carding

11 May – A fairly fulsome day marred by a few mishaps – at the very end of the morning run, just as I was about to hop the kerb at the Liz side of 60 Castlereagh the chain rattled and came off the sprockets and somehow managed to wrap itself around the crank, jammed in next to the chain ring and impossible to dislodge – had to carry her down to CBD to get the professionals to remove (I could have done so but would certainly have resulted in me tearing the chain asunder) - was rushed out of their by an impatient dispatcher (who may have been out to get me after the verbal shredding I gave him concerning his idiotic dive into the sarchasm and my extreme displeasure at his terrible communication skills).  Did get a lunch break although once again before I was halfway through I was hurried along with a half decent south run (thanks mate, but I’m EATING here!).  Despite a lull in the late afternoon was saved by a gold mine at FREHILs at the end of the day – 9 BP1s with the added bonus that they were only at four separate addresses with a bonus CITCRP that was actually routed through (could have been 10 but I was feeling magnanimous).  Louisa’s mobile was turned off all day – who’d have thought?  
Did you know that the Critical Mass crowd have a route through Surrey Hills which they call the ‘Paragon Route’ - Paragon does and he’s telling everyone ...  Elizabeth Square to ...somewhere or other down Brisbane down Commonwealth ... Blah blah blah ... It’s the route he used to take in the mornings when he was living at the KB ... He used to order his coffee and light his smoke and ride down this route on his way into town puffing and slucking away until he got to Eliz when he’s put the smoke in the cup and then log on at 2 Park ... Oh, Hermes, save me!  
Before a planned poker night had a second meeting with a certain individual concerning a little start-up project that might require my vast years of experience – an interesting proposal if it comes through but one fraught with ethical and time constraint dilemmas.  If it does come through, great – however, I can honestly say if it is decided that I'm not the one chosen I will not be disappointed one iota.  Took a very scenic route from mine to Ade’s via the backstreets of Enmore and associated inner western suburbs – James seemed to know where he was going and we did get there but I'm very doubtful that we took anything close to the most efficient route but I'm sure he had his reasons.  Okay results - didn’t lose too much, Scottish one was back to his usual poker self (which was to be expected).

Don't Fall In The Sarchasm

10 May – After some very loud manipulation was back on the streets (where I belong?) - relatively okay routing for the most part but a cracked stem on Shifty’s velocipede meant we were down to three bikes (four including Brettski and how could anyone not include Brettski???) and were constantly reminded of that throughout the day.  This had the undesirable result of me not having any luncheon throughout the day – in the old days this was something that I was used to but I’ve grown fat and complacent over the past six months.  To top this of I was devoid of bananas in the morning and had a paltry choc-chip muesli bar on my person so was not very comfortable throughout the day.  I made the mistake of trying to joke with the incompetent one by suggesting a lunch break at 5:00 and this had the result of the gold mine of FREHIL P1s going to my nemesis, the Paragon, who even had the audacity to bitch about it later in the evening when he did his semi-regular battery swap.  Had a very pleasant reunion with an old school chum afterwards – unexpected and not really desired (not that it was undesired) but sometimes it is nice to catch up with people from the past.  

Fraudulent

9 May – A relatively good start to the day despite braving the horrors of a morning train work commute which was followed by a pleasing conversation with my favourite medical professional (who’s last few appointments have been more philosophical chat than typical medical examination) - cleaned, ate, read, wrote, phoned and relaxed a bit – general tranquillity of afternoon was broken by a panicked phone call from the house mate who had unexpectedly been in possession of my credit card with the news that it had been lost (from a back pocket no less) - none too worried, a phone call was made to the credit card company to report the situation and I was dismayed to find that two transactions had been made today.  Due to the nature of the loss (it had not been in my possession at the time of its loss as I had given it to someone else who had given it to someone else who had given it someone else who had lost it) I was informed that I would be obliged to pay for the charges.  Wearily had to go through the obligatory demand to speak to someone in charge who basically repeated the company line that I had violated the policy of the credit card and therefore they basically didn’t give a s**t.  So much for the ‘cool right-on’ attitude of the Virgin company – at their core they’re just cold heartless bastards like any other financial institution. In any event, despite being liable for the cost as far as the evil institution is concerned one thing is that I’m sure as hell not responsible for paying it and a few thumbs may need to be broken to ensure that (by gar!).  

A Dilemma

8 May – Ah, the joys of sleeping in ... Not that it was a real sleep in but it was close.  Finally managed to speak to TPTB at Toll to sort out the bureaucracy and then spent several hours waiting for a driver to turn up with the paperwork (he’d been given the job as a P1 but he’s a driver so you can’t really expect him to get there in time) - after waiting for an eon wandered down to the BP to replenish the milk supply and as I came back I noticed a utility parked on Margaret St with some boxes in the back.  Had a sneaking suspicion it may have been the vehicle I was waiting for an after peering through the window I managed to make out the instructions on the Toll labelled computer which had a very familiar address on it.  Unfortunately no driver to speak of.  Looked around for a bit but couldn’t find him and, after dropping the grocery (there was only one item) in the flat I wandered back down to find him.  Managed to catch him just before he drove off but I have no doubt I’ll be waiting a while before the numbers start coming in.  Had a rather interesting meeting at the AB for a private and confidential project that’s coming off the ground and was given a slightly tempting offer which I’m going to have to think about for a while but the logistics and scale might mean I’m going to have to reluctantly decline – and that’s nothing to say for the ethical dilemma I’d have to endure if I did give into the temptation.  I’ve declined on ethical grounds before on this subject and I may well have to do so again.  Got cracked around a bit in the afternoon which I hope had some benefits – all goes to plan I should see the streets proper very soon.  
Despite not really having any interest in going I was slightly compelled by the fact that it was Tuesday to head to the cinema to see Spiderman 3 and was pleasantly disappointed.  Critics 1 – Box Office 0.  It’s not that the film was tightly packed with clichés – that’s to be expected, it is a Marvel blockbuster and that’s to be expected – but that the clichés were so ineptly rendered in Mr Raimi’s latest offering.  The OTT fight scenes were bigger and better than previous but ultimately uninspiring, the buddy banter between the newly reconciled team of Spiderman and Goblin was unbelievable as was the bizarrely reconstructed subplot of Ben Parker’s “real” killer being discovered once he’s turned into a super villain (I can hardly believe that the New York Police Department would keep track of a suspect of a car jacking murder for over two years and I’m also starting to get tired of the continuing Spiderman theme of all of the villains becoming bad only once they get their super powers).  The minimal usage of JK Simmons was criminal – the one character worth seeing in the entire series and he’s got no more than a few minutes of screen time – deplorable.  And, more than anything, the fact that Parker and MJ are shown just hugging as friends at the end, while not terrible in its own right, is basically setting up the series for another addition to the increasingly tired franchise.  And if this has been a spoiler for anyone reading this who hasn’t seen the movie then too bad, my evening was spoiled by going to the movie in the first place – why should you be complaining?

A Man Needs A Maid

7 May – Walked the morning run with only a twinge of an ethical dilemma which was almost perfectly timed with getting a bit of manipulative therapy and a heart to heart with Priti – would have been perfectly timed had I not been obliged to recount the tale of woe to a couple of well meaning messengers including Mr Rock Hard Sheffield Steel who apparently thinks I’m a real proper Englishman and had a take on the event which was slightly reassuring to me (but only slightly).  Returned the Met to Cheeky after a bit of soul searching – even a purely functional device must take fashion into consideration.  Couldn’t get a hold of half the people I needed to get a hold of but managed to cram quite a bit of stuff into the day – truly we are a time poor people.  Still managed to cook up a relatively sumptuous feast despite my best efforts but, come on, that’s woman’s work ...

No, I'll Stand Here ... Because I'm The Director

5 and 6 May – Early wakeup call to hit the film set of Lemmings ... Had been given instructions to make it on set by 8am in order to start the ball rolling but, expectedly, technical and creative reasons meant it would not be many hours before the film actually started rolling.   In my role as sound guy and general dogsbody my tasks included moving the car to a better timed parking place and hiding the parking ticket that had already been given for sitting in a disabled space overnight.  The other individuals involved in the production were of various levels of professionalism and I had to endure the discussion between the actors of how psychic their agents were (and keep a straight face).  The camera man seemed particularly intent on getting the lights right and this and a few continuity issues caused filming to go way past the shooting schedule but best laid plans are always bound to go wrong.  Some of the team were happy to kick on until the wee hours but camera man was fading rapidly post 10pm despite regular kaffirnation so a wrap was called and I shuffled back towards Redfern with the intention of an early night but Richard Dawkins’ Christmas lecture tempted me to push the boundaries a little further which was probably a mistake as the wakeup bell was none too welcoming the next morning (is it ever?).  Rolled Paddington way, not fully equipped, but couldn’t be helped.  Got to push through the fear factor at the moment, always a bit difficult but just has to be done.  Sunday shoot seemed to fl0w quite a bit better than Saturday’s – despite the adage that it is unwise to work with children the script necessitated the presence of one small baby and we managed to get through his scenes without too much difficulty.  Whenever he was supposed to cry he was smiling and whenever he was supposed to smile he cried but that’s just the nature of babies.  I would have preferred 20s style film making where we locked the babe in the closet until it was sufficiently traumatised for work but unfortunately the mother wouldn’t leave the set.  Next time.  Rest of the afternoon moved pretty rapidly in fits and starts – Ang Lee number of takes on the final death scene but a wrap was inevitable.  Still not certain whether I like the script – definitely unsure about the “message” that the film/play was trying to say ... Definitely agree that there are far too many humans being born in the world but am also pretty certain that it should keep on happening otherwise we’d be living in a crappe science fiction world but more on that once I see a final product.  But who am I to judge?

How Can You Tell The Jetfighter Pilot At a Party?

Don't Worry, He'll Tell You
3 and 4 May – Uneventful day of rest and recuperation.  These days are always unexpected and it is not often that a day comes along when absolutely no strain or exercise is required – definite advantage should be taken of these kind of days even if the circumstances in which they come about is unwanted.  Consumed a fair chunk of good and bad TV, decent and indecent film and some pretty good literature.  Had a fun time negotiating disapproval from the doctor who, as always, was very understanding.  Worst part was the dire conversations with the couriers who always like to know the details.  The ultimate fashion function accessory search was difficult, as always, a helm is a very appointment part of the gear and looks are SO important.  Managed to track down an osteopath with the help of a couple of co-workers and even managed to get in that day – just prior to the appointment had to drop into the regular Aviation Medical Clinic to pick up some documentation of the incident and found myself in a very bizarre conversation with a couple of pilots.  Initial introductions as to what airline they were with notwithstanding the conversation moved to the Macquarie Bank consortium led takeover bid for Qantas, and, lucky for me, having paid a bit of attention to the morning AM news found myself remarkably well informed on the situation and after 15 minutes of industry chat I think I left with them with a decent impression of my pilot’s credentials (although I must have been a bit slothful compared to the usual flyboys).

Superstition?

2 May – I’m not a suspicious man but things come in threes.  What started out as an okay day quickly degenerated with another impact ... All checked out okay but f**k.  Got mothered a bit which is always nice although a little embarrassing and spent the evening watching movies and reading my book.  Such is life.

A Landmark

I don’t know that much about the Landmark Forum and I know that a lot of people get a lot out of it but there’s something about it to me that just seems wrong and even a bit sleazy.  There’s a lot of validity in its ‘think positive’ view on improving your life but there simply has to be a better way to fix the problems you have in your life than sitting in a room with a couple of hundred people talking about the law of attraction.  It’s brainwashing on some levels and it has a cult like feel to it when one listens to its proponents gushing about the improvements that have come to their lives through its practice.  The pyramid style recruitment is what I find unforgivable – you can’t just do the course on your own – you have to get out there and bring more people to the forums (that 20th century ideal that without growth comes extinction) and the methods they propose are sleazy.  Twice, I’ve had the phone call from a recent convert that starts so innocently yet so strangely – the first time was from a friend I hadn't spoken to in about a year and what should have been a very joyful telephone reunion instead was very awkward – we were making small talk but it was obvious he was just biding his time before he asked if I’d come along to a forum with him.  The second time was a few months later and there was the same awkward early conversation and I instinctively knew that I was about to be asked about Landmark and sure enough I was.  Even though both conversations had only taken about 10 minutes of my time I really felt used – this system is abusing its member’s friendship networks for their own personal gain.  Perhaps its an overreaction but something about it just doesn’t seem right to me.

May Day! May Day!

30 April and 1 May – Good tidings for the day with a couple of pretty Red Bull girls asking me if I wanted some wings closely followed by the bad tidings discovery that my wallet was not where it was supposed to be.  Luckily, Dottie gave up his daily crack hit to spot me a lobster (in order so that I could get my daily nicotine hit).  A relatively solid but unexceptional day work wise with some spectacular indy stuff at the end (although if it wasn’t indy I probably would have rejected the last one – a bunch of proofs that were about two square metres and had to be taken down a lot of hills to get to their destination).  Threatened rain never really eventuated and finished off in a relatively decent mood.  Evening took me over to McMahons where the little people were alternatively sulky and joyful – some very perceptive questioning by one of them produced some interesting results.  Started to get a little nervy about the lack of appearance of the missing wallet – every potential spot was coming up negative and I really thought that the horrific bureaucratic nightmare of remembering what I had in it followed by cancelling the contents was upon me but I held off in hope.  Rushed home in morning for another failed scrabble through possessions and tracked down a few more potential locations all of which continued to have negative results.  Eventually, bit the bullet and rocked in to the Rocks Cop Shop to make the call to report it.  Rest of the day was mostly okay – had a few arguments with the incompetent one who, amongst other things, told me to fax a job back to the base (presumably with the portable fax machine that I carry with me at all times).  Final job of the day popped up at 5:50, almost a full hour after it was booked and funnily enough by the time I arrived it was closed.  And the STD job that arrived on my screen with it was meant for the next day.  How can I work with such incompetence?!?!?!  In any event, after arriving home another cursory search of the room did turn up a rather familiar black leather man purse and that made me feel a lot better.  Evening was spent eating Syrian chicken and struggling with cous cous (which nobody really likes, do they?) with family (both nuclear and extended) and returned home to find that my birthday present of a very nice 2001 Pinot Noir is a magical bottle that apparently refills itself after being drunk.  How lovely.

I Will Not Work For Peanuts

28 and 29 April – After completing a favourable quantity of tasks rolled over McMahons way to play with the hills – high quality pirate films and foodstuffs were consumed and other activities engaged in ... Not the planned activities for the night but things eminently more sensible presumably.  Slept in for the second day running which is always a weekend bonus and attempted to bridge a gap or two with pancakes but was thwarted by the Nestle company and the determination of the one who is probably not an enemy but may as well be.  Took the housemate on a fixie training lesson at Centennial – took forever to switch the pedals around on the two girls but eventually managed (liberal usage of grease should prevent that particular problem reoccurring) - beautiful day and had to do SOMETHING outside or it would have wasted.  Rest of the afternoon was more web labours in exchange for sweetmeats ... A definite fair trade one would suppose.

The Stakes Are High, The Players Are Higher

27 and 28 April – Steely skies and a morning chill did not bode well for today but the rain never really started and the coolness of the day made for very comfortable riding – no amazing routing and not a huge number of trips but some very good quality and quite a bit of indy stuff to make it interesting.  Any fears that the constant rejecting of jobs has put me in the bad books were quelled very nicely.  Best laid evening plans were for a poker night – most of the usual suspects were present – none were wearing dinner jackets so any hopes of re-enacting a James Bond-esque high stakes feel were out of the question and we were also missing the always entertaining Scottish friend but James did bring an Irish replacement whose hyperactivity was a very interesting replacement.  My performance was disappointingly shocking and was the first to bow out of what turned out to be a rather epically long game – initially Dave the housemate pulled ahead and seemed certain to take the event but a steadily smoking and drinking and ever so confident James whittled him away until he found himself chipless but not chipper-less.  However, it was the dour and determined Adrian who really seems to take this game far too seriously for his own good who took out the prize – main benefit is that his victory will ensure that he gets the wife’s permission to play another night.  Far too late to have a second game by the time it finished and the drunk and the stoned slowly made their way out – the next day after a hearty breakfast of pancakes (standard yoghurt and wholemeal recipe but eaten with yoghurt, maple syrup and frozen blueberries for a delicious change of pace – the frozen blueberries almost taste like ice blocks and could even be preferable to having them baked into the cake itself) I was suitably shocked to read a couple of TXTs from James informing me that he was mugged up the road from my house.  After speaking to him it turned out that it was just next door to the police station – its been so long since I’ve had any personal trouble that I’ve kind of forgotten that this area can be a little dangerous – especially for the intoxicated.  However, he did the absolute sensible thing which was to just hand over his cash and he escaped any major hurt and even managed to keep his credit cards and phone (which, while being physically replaceable are always the most bureaucratic thing to sort out).  Took Chevette to the bike shop for a bit of work by the artisans (as per usual, a contingent of couriers were there attending to their own pieces of business) and afterwards may have stolen a coffee and snack from a Newtown café (I don’t think it was intentional but it could have been subliminal).

Capital Crime

26 April – A late confirmation of the requirement for my web building skillz brought me over to Willoughby for a bit of a hack at the Link website (www.linkplastics.com) and despite background noise of the indecision of what to name a fake type of wood it was a remarkably fruitful session. Much stress in fiddling with table column widths and one of my co-workers (???) committed the unforgivable sin of laying out a document with spaces – a crime so heinous and foul that I came very close to a mental breakdown and considered shutting down the entire operation.  Level heads prevailed.  A beautiful day on the streets on Thursday – the rains had ceased and the air was crisp and clean – usual crap from the router but managed to channel my way through it with some very creative routing of my own and after all was said and done it turned out to be one of the best days in ages in terms of number of trips, number of units and overall personal satisfaction.  Apparently was almost assaulted as I skidded through an intersection (George and King – site of the last accident no less) on the tail end of the yellow light but didn’t notice and only found out when Pretty Boy informed whilst I et my luncheon.  Stevo and Kate were in town with the latest courier baby – always nice to see the next generation – does make one think though ... Uneventful evening with a substandard pizza and an overlong movie about the CIA which kept me up way beyond the bedtime I should be sticking to.

My God Is A Vengeful God

24 and 25 April – Once again, woke to the sounds of bucketing rain and once again missed the worst of it by having the fortitude to be the late guy.  However, this wasn’t to last and the weather was alternatively a little bit crap and a whole lot crap.  First delivery of the day to the accursed Macquarie Bank had a little slide out that stunned me a little but managed to stay upright for the rest of the day despite a few near misses.  Cracked the mythical third page for the first time in a long time but no real quality – had to decline quite a bit of indy stuff due to the machinations of the machine.  A few mechanical issues like chain flying off and wrapping itself around the crank on George St after a few little bumps and my lock completely seized up – sprayed it with some sort of lubricant at the bike shop and it just made it worse – eventually it just stopped working which was unfortunate as the bike was free locked and it took me 10 minutes to work it free but eventually got a different kind of oil and it worked without too much issue for the rest of the day.  Evening involved the most consumption of alcomohol for a very long time with a birthday of a friend of a “friend” - overpriced intoxicants (with admittedly free food) were imbibed in great plenty – there was no need to get the duelling pistols out but apparently the housemate had my back if required.  The Greeks know how to party (in that I mean that they know how to drink anyway).  Was forced to put the light out far too early (3am!  What do you mean lights out???) and it took excessive quantities of unethical pig meat, ethical eggs and bread, cheese and coffee of indeterminate moral condition to bring me back to the real world.  No sooner had digested this than was forced out to consume an Anzac Day luncheon of mostly fried yum cha.  No two-up or beer of any kind due to previous night’s festivities which I know is very unAustralian but, by God, sometimes a boy just needs a break.

The Blasphemer

22 and 23 April – A much of a muchness for some of the day before we eventually headed to the SCG so that we could see some Rockin’ for Our Rights in the anti-IR protest/concert being held there.  Got there rather late so missed most of it and what bands we did see played two songs each which was great if the band was crap but disappointing if you wanted to see some more of them.  Not really sure of my presence at the protest considering I don’t belong to a union and I don’t really seem to suffer from the new IR laws nor will I benefit from the proposed reforms to said laws – considering the the life of the immortal class is not really one of the better protected industries in the world (although it gives me a chip on my shoulder and sometimes I like having that hole).  Drank a bit and almost fell asleep watching a movie.  Did get a nasty feeling from the bright flashes of lightning that I could see out my window but the rains were just a little blattering so didn’t pay it too much mind.  Upon waking on Monday morning to the blasting of heavenly sent buckets I did start to regret opening my eyes but luckily for me doing the late start by the time I rolled out of the house most of the rain had stopped and there was just the occasional drizzle.  Nothing terribly taxing throughout the day but the wet made everything completely slick and I was sliding all over the place: lane splitting and loading docks caused the most trouble with some nasty near misses and could have beens making me wonder, out aloud, whether all this could drive a boy back to the corporate world ...  That was a mistake because I said it out aloud to B-Rad who accused me of blasphemy and proceeded to tell all and sunder my heretic rantings.  Twas miserable and I had a moment of jovial weakness – and I would like to see those who mocked me actually experience the real wet.  Until you have done the west coast Canadian winter you haven’t really lived.  All was a little crap throughout the day but totally tolerable and it would have remained that way had I not been riding down George St at the end of the day and had a car decide that my lane was better than his lane and he might just have it - knocked over and sustained some very nasty lacerations to my jacket (not to mention myself) - what a way to end the day.  Frantically tried to do stuff in the evening before entertaining the maternal unit in the depths of Redfern and then just licked my wounds hoping that the saliva had some antiseptic properties.

Paragon Of Delays

20 and 21 April – Despite previous day’s battering didn’t feel there was too much restraining me from heading in.  The only real issue was the gouge on my spine which was tolerable with careful positioning of the Chrome bag and the only real distance ride I had was out to Ultimo where I delivered a pillow (I’m pretty sure it was a pillow) that was lodged directly behind the folder making it rather comfortable followed by a t-shirt to Strawberry Hills which was also provided some half decent padding.  The Paragon did his usual annoying lifting but recovered a job as I passed the Citibank – finally got a chance to trick him at the end of the day by flipping Frangelica over to fixed – unfortunately did a rather sloppy job of it and left the chain lodged between the sprocket and the wheel making it moveable but unrideable and by the time he eventually decided to head back my way to trade her for his broken Rocket Ship all the other couriers had left and he didn’t have a 15mm spanner to flip her back.  It would have been hilarious if I’d done the flipping properly but as it was it meant him missing another chance to give her back.  I would have felt guilty had it not been for the fact that he could have swapped her on Thursday night when he was over at my house recharging another battery and what self respecting courier doesn’t carry around a 15mm spanner?  What if he’d had a flat the silly boy>  Sedate and pleasant dining in Newtown was followed by other activities (ah, Redfern) and an early start to head out to Cheeky in the morning for some Zen and the Art.  Despite getting an assurance that he’d be there at 10am sharp and speaking to him before I left the house and then calling him periodically throughout the morning the wretched messenger didn’t turn up until midday.  With various bits of assistance from a battered Cheeky John (Thursday was not a good day for courier-car relations), Cheeky Dave, Flash and even the Paragon took Frangelica to the next step of the evolution – switched brakes to American style and tuned them up a it and beautified her with some very nice synthetic white bar tape.  A stunning chromatic machine she is.  Most of the rest of the day was wasted working which is not weekends are about followed by a small amount of drinking and a night in with a couple of half decent fillums which kept me up till the wee hours.

The Paragon

The Paragon is a nice guy and can be very endearing in small doses.  He is well loved by many of the clients as I found out when doing his permanent runs over the Christmas break but, then again, they only have to deal with him in small doses.  He talks a lot and but doesn’t listen a lot.  A bit of a reputation as a scammer and is one of the worst offenders when it comes to picking things up that haven’t been assigned to him – the standard excuse of ‘well, it worked with what I was doing’ is often valid when the dispatching is particularly poor but quite often that job that was assigned to someone else often works just as well for them.  I don’t think he likes going to the west end of town and on more than one occasion after hearing him bitching about one particular job I’ve later found it burned and on my screen and that’s never very pleasant and quite often he likes you to know that he is in the know – when seeing him walking out of a building he seems to revel in guessing the job that you’re picking up (and he’s most likely rejected).  A bit of a poser but not the most stylistic of messengers I’ve known – the top tube surfing trick (his one and only trick?) looks great when you see it on a half page of the Telegraph but doesn’t look that great in real life.  And he drinks too much and I worry about that.

I Wish I Had A Sundial

18 and 19 April – A stopped clock is right twice a day but a clock set 15m fast is never right.  For some reason the microwave clock (and the primary communal timepiece in the household) has to be set 15m later for reasons I am not quite aware of.  Tried to decipher it with the help of Ace Investigator Jason Triples but could not pinpoint the reason – perhaps time will tell (so to speak).  A relatively smooth and relatively inefficient workday that involved a record number of visits to KPMG (the bottom of Sussex with a strenuous in and out journey from the heart of the city) and was especially hindered by a terrible streak of bad luck with the elevators. 10 Shelley is a great one for the abuse of the lifts – despite there only being one goods elevator it is generally not heavily used in the building – if unused it sits in its place at G and when summoned to B1 it takes minimal time to arrive - there , the smart courier can, after riding right to the edge of the car park, can jump in and hit 7 (KPMG mailroom) and 9 (next unsecured floor) - upon exiting the lift at 7 the courier hits the down button thereby calling the elevator back to the floor but not overriding its commitment to heading up to 9 – this gives approximately 40 seconds before the lift return to to take the courier back to the basement – ample time for getting signatures, pickup jobs and going to the toilet (a very respectable facility) - if the courier is only there to pick up he may not even send the lift to 9 and will just press the down and snatch up the trip and jump back in before the doors close (although there is the risk of loss of limbs should the sensors fail to detect).  This is the ideal situation – the lazy and stupid couriers replicate the ‘send to 9’ trick but send it to 15 instead – doubling the time for the lifts return but it’s really just not necessary – 40s should be enough for any courier, sometimes the lifts are called up just before the button is pressed, meaning an age before the lift fetches the courier, abuse can be copped from other couriers who don’t know about or don’t care about the time shortening trip (everybody does it!!!) and there’s the inevitable cross traffic from the mailroom boys, catering staff, car park and randoms who are also relegated to the servant’s entrance.  That day, I had bud luck with the lifts.  Very bad management of the late shift – sitting around for over an hour waiting for six to arrive I finally headed sowf and sent a note telling the dispatcher I was off – this message obviously reminded the dispatcher I existed and that the bike channel existed and he sent me two completely burned FREHILs – by the time I arrived at the pickup the drop was already closed.  Typical no support at all from the people back at the base and I had to lug them home for reattempts in the morning.  Visited the parentals and ate well and it seems that I might be going to London after all – still feel a bit queasy about that particular transaction.  
A fitful sleep and a relatively hearty breakfast had me leaving the house with a fair feeling that all was fine in the world – perhaps I should have taken the fact that I was half scared to death by the flapping pigeon in my bathroom as a bad omen though - a slow start to the morning but nothing that made me feel too bad – heading back into town from Chippendale with a large STD box in the bag, cruising along Elizabeth Street behind a grey hatchback, almost certain that I wasn’t doing anything illegal or even risky when suddenly with minimal or no warning the driver ahead of me decided to do a U-turn across the double lines right across my path – slowed considerably but not quickly enough to prevent me from nosing into vehicle and ploughing into the ground – just a few scratches on me and apparently no damage to the bike (scrapes over the brand new bar tape though – perhaps even bent the handlebars more than they already were – but perhaps not) - driver was very apologetic and admitted wrong straight away but didn’t stop an onlooker screaming ‘You could have killed him!  You could have killed him!’ at the top of her voice – could potentially have carried on but it was quiet and wanted to be better safe than sorry so called it a day after getting rid of everything.  You can never really tell how you feel until the adrenalin drops.  Got a mostly clean bill from the city based doctor (great to have access to a real doctor in town).  Despite not having a liquid lunch like some I found myself in the role of designated driver to McMahons Point – but I did get my own back in food and that’s what’s really important, isn’t it?

So It Goes

17 April – A very slow day not without its frustrations but the knowledge that it was lack of anything happening rather than incompetence (I think) meant teeth weren’t ground into dust from rage as much as they have been of late.  Made some inroads on some fronts and vented a little but nowt to report in the scheme of things.  Rather impressed with ‘Sunshine’ - not a space opera at all but not much more than a spaceship movie – borrowed heavily from all of the other major movies set in spaceships (Logans Run, 2001, even Event Horizon are a couple that come to mind) but did star Cliff Curtis who’s always welcome on any screen I’m watching.  Pretty certain I liked it and pretty certain that I’ll never see it again.  So it goes.

When Is A Walk In The Park Not A Walk In The Park?

15 and 16 April – Out to Centennial Park for a few spins around the circuit on a very pleasant Sunday morning – accompanied by three companions of various sizes.  As chilled out as could possibly be hoped for considering the fact that children were present – was mostly exhausted by hitting a tennis ball on a string on a spring for more time than was good for me but presume that I made some headway on some fronts.  From there took the scenic route back to McMahons Point – was hijacked by the perpetually wheelie-ing Yogi as I left the park and he just happened to be going in the same direction as me so had an escort.  Very strange man but basically a good fellow.  Watched an okay adaptation of a very good book in the ‘All The Kings Men’ - pretty much a verbatim translation of the book faulted only by cutting out some details, compressing the timeline and, what really annoyed me the most, placed the story in the great state of Weezie-Anna instead of the fictional ‘southern state’. For some reason it always tickles me when an author or film auteur chooses to set the story in a fictional part of the world rather than reality – even though the audience is certain that it refers to a real place when it’s not real it makes it more real.  Prime examples are ‘All The Kings Men’ (we didn’t need to be told it was Louisiana), Louis d’Bernieres South American trilogy set in a place that was based on Paraguay but was left unnamed, Syriana which could have been anywhere in the Middle East, that film with Nicole Kidman playing a white African (was it the Translator or something?) which was obviously supposed to be Zimbabwe and there are a bunch of others set in Eastern Europe or any of the other continents which are currently escaping my train of thought.  In any event, where does it go from here?
An unfitful sleep probably caused by personally stressing myself out meant a slow start to the morning – was designated bridge bitch for the day and even though I had a potential opt-out I decided to stick with it which was probably a mistake.  I don’t really want to keep on routing about dispatcher’s incompetence but it was clear and present again – although this time was notable not just for its crapness but because I was denied any luncheon – a cardinal crime in any courier’s world – I know in the beginning I got used to it and I sometimes have adequate foodstuffs on my person to sate me during the day but today I didn’t and I’ve grown lazy and accustomed to that 30 minutes of freedom throughout the day so when it is denied me I am enraged.  Was saved somewhat by a cupcake and an apple from two lovely ladies but it just wasn’t enough.  Frangelica is going to be given a little workout by the Paragon, his beloved Rocket looks like he may have seen the end of his days with a somewhat severe crack over the head tube – I just hope he treats my lady with the respect she deserves.

The Joy Of Smashing Things

14 April – Pancakes and other joyous distractions started the day – best laid plans to head out to the driving range in order to hit things very hard were delayed (and apparently almost cancelled, heaven forbid) so did a bit of Zen and the Art – lots more to do on that front but nothing sounds better than a well tuned fixie – something along the lines of one hand clapping or a tree falling in the woods with nobody there to hear – eventually headed out to Moore Park where my excellent driver put me in good stead.  Nobody seemed to keen to listen to anyone else making any suggestions on the improving of the stroke but I’m sure with a little practice I could get rid of the slice (???) - mostly getting the distance right in any event.  Afterwards had an unplanned pub crawl back to the household – far too much booze for someone of my delicate nature and upon arrival back at home found myself getting a condensed Landmark forum crash course – difficult.

Drinks With The Ambassador

13 April – Frustrations of incompetence were the cause of much wailing and gnashing of teeth and the possible destruction of several of the elevators in the inner CBD area.  Mostly busy for the entire day but terrible inefficiencies and almost everything was late.  Dispatcher made the mistake of calling me at a moment when I was particularly hot and he’d just made some stupid changes to the route I was supposed to take and I had no choice but to let him know what he was doing wrong.  I shouldn’t let it bother me but it does – combination of annoyance and adrenalin do not make for a calm messenger.  Somehow managed to finish the day with most of my sanity intact but it was only the fact that it was the end of the week that allowed me to keep it all together.  Went to birthday drinks in the evening to celebrate the ... Birthday of a friend of Louisa which was mostly pleasant – have not been a big fan of inner city drinking for some time now and the unexpected presence of a potential rival could have put a spanner in the works.  Confirmed that I would not be required to physically sort anyone out and then proceeded to drink more than my usual quota of beer.  Was warned about the presence of a former UN weapons inspector who could also have been a bit of a problem but he seemed pleasant enough ... But then again, I’m not the despotic leader of a third world country so there was no reason why he wouldn’t be.

The 500

11 and 12 April – Started the morn with an interesting bidness meeting to discuss the future of messengering (at least in relation to me) and spent a lot of money on coffee throughout the day.  Did see Paul Keating sneaking into his place of residence which wasn’t really that interesting when it comes down to it.  The XDA which still hadn’t been fixed since they f**ked with it last Monday was dying a slow death and eventually ceased functioning altogether and in the end I had to make the journey out to Banksmeadow for a third time to resolve it.  An unnamed gentleman back at the base was tasked with sorting it out and he reinstalled the applications, switched batteries over, used different XDAs, gave me a new number (no longer Rider 504 but now The 500) but despite me telling him over and over again that it was almost definitely the SIM card (did the Sherlock Holmes deduction – eliminate everything until you’ve got your answer) he refused to accept it and even when he eventually agreed to sub the SIM he kept on putting my original one back in.  It’s a new SIM card ... Are you sure?  Yes, I put it in.  Try calling the old number ... Ring ring ... It’s the old f**kin’ thing!!!  Idiot.  Eventually got it working with a new device, new number, new SIM and new install.  Couldn’t they have done this last week???  Got a lift back into town with a very nice driver who happened to be a Christian (you don’t believe in Jesus man???  Wow!  You seem like such a nice guy) and then hung around town for an hour doing absolutely nothing.  Spent the evening on the north side where I abused my host’s larder in return for limited IT support and other essential services which were reciprocated in kind and actually got a mostly decent sleep which was needed because the next day was a complete waste of time.  Thinking that a working XDA would actually make things all work out was extremely wishful thinking because you need a working dispatcher which we don’t have.  An almost complete BST/STD of a day compounded with shocking routing (as per usual) and a completely idiotic over reaction to a joke ... Just dropped off at 201 Kent and was assigned a pickup from 201 Kent a minute or two later ... Picked it up, sent a message ‘Too far!!!’ and promptly found it taken off me by the time I’d got to the destination.  I didn’t see it as a joke.  Well, that’s because you’re a f**king idiot!!!  I should really learn how to take this stuff with a grain of salt but it’s very frustrating.  Almost takes the joy out of the job, almost.  

Virtual Prostitution

10 April – Got on the bike for the first time after a four day break (longest one in a long time) to a very boring day filled with awful routing and a (still!) very sick XDA.  Tried not to let it get to me too much but sometimes it just feels like its not worth the bother.  Visited Wednesday’s victim to confirm that she had survived her small impact with me and was a bit distressed to her that she had four stitches on the inside of her mouth and two on the outside but a little bunch of flowers and profuse apologies seemed to calm the situation a little.  I would definitely say that the crash was her fault as she walked right into me but if I’d been a pedestrian the impact would have been negligible – there’s definitely a duty of care when it comes to riding in places that are full of pedestrians.  I think we’ll both be a bit more aware of our surroundings (her of bikes and me of people who are looking at the ground).  A potential victory on one front that might bring to an end one of my long standing policies on paying for things like sex and parking.  It’s a sad day but also a happy day but we’ll see what happens when it happens.

Passportless

9 April – Journeyed back towards Sydney with a slowly increasing cramp in the buttock – baffled by how I managed to cope with the 12 hour stretches across the Americas but a relatively short journey back towards home meant relief was not too far away.  Not much chance of recovery with the lunchtime rendezvous for Yum Cha in Chinatown – a lot of difficulty finding the right brand of smoking tobacco across the greater Sydney area.  Was not too perturbed by the lack of success in Berry but was getting very worried by the time I reached Sydney and the first twenty shops I went to were devoid of my international passport to smoking pleasure.  Perhaps it was being discontinued?  Maybe the delivery truck was hijacked by Mosmanites?  In the end found had success at an overpriced convenience store in the depths of Chinatown – one more disappointment and I was prepared to quit altogether.  Thank God for them.  

Weekender

7 and 8 April – Like much of the weekend before it much time was expertly wasted – did catch up with some works but nothing of any consequence.  The boys night out which was alluded to didn’t eventuate completely although pizza was eaten and scotch was drunk and it wasn’t really at my house so in some ways it could have been called a night out – did leave Chez Gray and wandered into the heart of Willoughby only to find the pub closed at the ridiculously early time of half 10.  Shortly after our return the mistress of the house scared one of our number off and then there were two.  
In any event – had plans on doing a little road trip (road trip!) through the southern highlands (is that what they’re called) so the next day was dropped off at McMahons and quickly organise ourselves for the journey – always nice to be behind the wheel even when the destination is unknown.  Had lunch at a crap pub and dinner at a much better pub and accommodation at a very nice little dodgy hotel in a place starting with B.  

Not Good Friday ... Great Friday (???)

6 April – Kind of slept in, kind of ... Cooked breakfast for the house residents and proceeded to not leave the house for the rest of the day ... Watched some movies, read some part of a book and did some computer type things (some successfully and some not so).  Didn’t leave the house until 9 o’clock when I headed to Paddington to see a taut German political thriller which was very German.  As it should be.

Fambly Is Fambly

3 and 4 April – Tuesday was a s**t day at work – XDA still completely malfunctioning and with no communications and someone on the other end who just doesn’t get it I found myself in a foul mood all day.  Learned that if you hang around Martin Place for long enough sometimes you’ll get free food.  Rode to Crows Nest afters for dinner with the family celebrating my Aunty Pamela’s birthday (that’s what she’s called until she gets my name right) and whilst the food was excellent sometimes it was slightly painful but fambly are fambly and you’ve got to do the best with what you’ve got.  No resolution on the XDA front on Wednesday but I developed a half decent workaround which is still unacceptable but will have to do until the f**king $*%*#s at the office fix it up and the day turned out to be pretty golden – unfortunately as bonus is calculated over the week and the first two days were so woeful it’s quite unlikely to have any benefit to me but you never know and I can’t let my work ethic suffer for such reasons.  Had a little disaster in the morning after picking up an indy job and then being routed so far away from its destination that ended up getting phone calls demanding its delivery but hey, my own work was late as well so I’m not going to feel too guilty about it – also whilst coasting down Martin Place at a very slow speed a young girl walked straight into me (her mouth hit my shoulder) splitting her lip – apparently she’d been having a terrible week as well and she burst into tears.  Managed to clean her up and ensure she was alright but not too happy about it.  She wasn’t looking where she was going but duty of care and all that crap.  Got to be more careful.
Windows is finally installed on the Mac – don’t know why that should thrill me so much but it sure as hell does.

A Night With The Fanboys

5 April – A potentially ill conceived journey out to the Imax cinema to see the midnight screening of the 300 – great story but execution might have been a little heavy on the loin cloths and fake six-packs – also, I’m not certain that Imax is really the best place to see a feature film especially at midnight – neck craning from one side to the other trying to follow the dialogue and action but hey, it’s been an age since I’ve done the opening screening and sometimes it just has to be done.  However, considering that this meant a maximum of 4 hours sleep ensured that the eagerly awaited Suit Day was always going to be a struggle.  Had been looking forward to breaking out the old corporate gear for ages and was very well presented in a sombre grey three button single breasted suit with a striped shirt, silver cufflinks and a blue tie with red spots – completed the ensemble with black slip on loafers (a key ingredient in making me indistinguishable from your typical office drone).  Not sure exactly of the point of Suit Day but it’s the day when the couriers wear suits – partially a reverse mufti day but there was the potential for mischief by being able to use the proper entrances for several of the CBD buildings where we’re usually forced to use the servant’s entrance.  However, apart from getting quite a few admiring comments from various receptionists and mail room boys I found on several occasions customers were very reluctant to give me the pickups – who the hell is this besuited fellow trying to steal my letter???  At the Gateway, one of the most ridiculous buildings in town – we have to enter via the loading dock then take the goods lift to the foyer where we wander around as we please (there are three other lift wells to access the suites) - the only place we’re not allowed to be are the entrances from the street or the food court – I’ve even been in a protracted email battle with the building manager to change it and who should order a delivery but the building managers themselves – very suspicious receptionist demanded to know why I was wearing a suit that day (so I can get in the front door of buildings like these ... Ma’am!) - little disaster of a misplaced envelope – knew exactly where it was but couldn’t be found when I went to retrieve and ended up backtracking halfway across town in a vain attempt to find it, being badgered by three different levels of management at the office about what happened – last pickup of the day was where I’d left it and I decided to give it one more shot and lo and behold there it was – however, nobody was there to celebrate my good fortune as everyone at the base seemed to have gone home.  Well, I was happy about it anyway.

Bad Karma?

2 April – An almost total write off of the day, perhaps the week.  Was forced to ride down to the base in Banksmeadow so that the powers that be could have a look at my data unit which has been playing up from day dot – after over an hour’s wait I finally was sent on my way but, as suspected, once I got there I had real work put on me.  It wasn’t much but it was enough to screw up the morning run and once I managed to get it off I found that the new XDA that had been assigned to me was infinitely worse than the previous one – found myself resetting it every 5 minutes and eventually we gave up and my original one was couriered back into town but once I switched over found that it didn’t work at all so another ride back to Banksmeadow where I spent a very frustrating afternoon waiting for it to be repaired.  Eventually sorted out ... Apparently, I’ll wait until tomorrow before I believe that they’ve done what they’ve said they’ve done.  At least I didn’t have to do the late shift and apparently there wasn’t much happening all day anyway which was a small solace.  Evening was rather pleasant – had dinner for Mr Templeman’s birthday – a late invite and the only drawback was that I had a whole bunch of leftovers in the fridge which just had to be eaten that night so by the time I actually got to the pub for dinner I was already completely stuffed – still managed a second dinner but only just.  And apparently we passed inspection – who would have thought?

Who Is More Foolish? The Fool Or The Fool Who Follows Him?

1 April – Squeezed out a little bit of a sleep in by cunningly drawing the blinds the previous night ignoring the fact that I could do this on most days but had chores to do so couldn’t indulge myself too much.  Finally managed to get a reasonably priced rear brake from my old nemeses at Inner City Cycles and had a fortuitous bumping into one of the relatively new couriers who invited me back to his house to use some of his tools so I could do a slightly less than perfect but relatively functional installation – more to be done and more to spend but Frangelica is now in a relatively sorted condition.  Wandered down to Pyrmont to see the start of the April Fools Day alley cat but was really not in the mood for participation which is a shame because it looked like a fairly well crafted one, despite its creator.  Battled Windows and State Rail in the evening but victory was pretty much mine in the end – only a little bruise to show for it.

Education Can Be Fun

30 and 31 March – After what was possibly a meltdown (can’t be sure but can’t rule it out) from the normal operator I was pleasantly surprised to log on to find Dottie in the chair, and a finer dispatcher you couldn’t have asked for – polite, fit as a fiddle, skilled like Shifty but without the politics (apparently) and fair like Kev (without the aggravation) - so, all in all a pretty good day.  A last minute decision was made that I had to see the Pixies who were playing at Luna Park on Friday – hadn’t given it much thought up until then so was forced to delve into the slimy business of the professional scalper – not a nasty bloke but didn’t get a good feeling from him at all (and when I actually arrived at Luna Park an old woman offered me a free one – go figure).  In any event, overpriced ticket but it was valid when I got there.  Took Frangelica – still no working back brake so she had to be fixed – a few little issues with a grinding noise up the hill and still not used to the toe clips (one fall and a couple of near misses on the way there but none on the way back so maybe I’m getting better).  Great band – wasn’t sure if I’d really enjoy the concert because in reality I didn’t know anything about them and hadn’t really listened to them at all apart from the month across America when I listened to a greatest hits CD about a thousand times – but, they played a bunch of songs I knew they played, a bunch of songs I knew that I didn’t know they played and a whole bunch of others that I’d never heard.  The lead guitarist had a lot of guitars, I discovered that there was a girl in the band and the drummer looked like an IT professor.  Standing for hours on end is never pleasant even when you are enjoying yourself but it was very educational.  Attempts to visit my north shore ‘friend’ failed despite a valiant effort on my behalf – so had a relatively smooth ride back home, only one completely unprovoked incident with a muscle car on the George St strip who just didn’t like the fact that even after spending a $100k+ on his machine he was still being overtaken by a velocipede.  
Blinded by the light on Saturday morning and ventured out to Cheeky for a failed attempt at finding a brakes for the fixie (Pixie the Fixie???) and the toe clips felled me once again (I don’t think anyone saw) - took the long train journey to the mountains – got some good reading done (finished all of the previous day’s papers and my book (last page three minutes from the end of the journey – timing) - very strange crowd on the Mountains line – pleasant afternoon up there and after hearing the woes of giving birth from EK have decided that a child will never pass through my pelvic floor).   More journeys and returned home to watch Dr Strangelove in bed – nice to have the company but not good when trying to stay awake.  Scary movie – not much has changed.

Four Words

Sometimes my terminology is badly lacking in tact – sometimes I say and write things that are not really thought through – I should probably be a bit more aware that the anonymity that one hopes is given by the internet doesn’t excuse one’s self from saying things that should never really be said.